Cheryl Vs Mallory Round 462
by Red Witch
Summary: Another bout in the ongoing battle between Cheryl and Mallory's sanity.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters got burned. Three guesses how. Just some madness from my tiny little mind.**

 **Cheryl Vs. Mallory Round 462**

RING!

RING!

RING!

Cheryl sat at her desk staring out into space. Completely oblivious to the phone that was ringing.

RING!

RING!

"Cheryl! Carol! _Whatever_ your name is…" Mallory called out. **"Answer it!"**

RING!

"Unbelievable…" Mallory groaned as she came out of her office. "She's even more useless than the other idiots that work here. And that is a pretty high bar to cross."

RING!

Then the phone went silent. Cheryl looked at the phone and shrugged. Then she went back to staring into space.

"My God," Mallory groaned. "Every time I think she can't get any dumber, she tops herself! Maybe one day I'll get lucky and she'll forget how to breathe? Save me the trouble of asphyxiating her scrawny little neck!"

She then stormed over to Cheryl. "Cheryl! Cheryl! CHERYL!"

"WHAT?" Cheryl snapped.

"I **hate** to bother you," Mallory said sarcastically. "Since you seem so deep in thought. Especially the fact that you haven't **had** a thought in **years.** Nevertheless, I do expect you to do work at this agency."

"I **am** doing work," Cheryl said.

"Yes I see you're just a busy little bee…" Mallory said sarcastically. "But since I'm the Queen of this hive of activity…Why don't you tell me **exactly** what you're doing?"

"I will," Cheryl said.

"Go ahead," Mallory said.

"You want me to tell you now?" Cheryl asked.

"No! I want you do tell me through **interpretive dance**!" Mallory said sarcastically. "Yes I want you to tell me **now**!"

"Before or after the dance?"

"Just **tell** me!" Mallory shouted.

"Well I've been thinking…" Cheryl began.

"Hold the presses," Mallory said dryly. "It's a miracle."

"This is a detective agency right?" Cheryl asked.

"Last I checked," Mallory sighed. "Although to be fair I can understand why you would be confused. The way you and the rest of the idiots screw around it would be easy to mistake this office for a Screw Up Factory!"

"I was thinking," Cheryl said. "Now a detective agency **looks** for clues right?"

"That is part of the job description, yes," Mallory said acidly.

"But what if we separate ourselves from all the other detective agencies by not looking for clues…" Cheryl began. "But by **selling** them?"

"Come again?" Mallory was puzzled.

"This is what we should do," Cheryl said. "We round up all the clues in the city. Then sell them to the other detective agencies and the cops! We could make a fortune!"

Mallory was stunned into silence for almost a minute. "I have to admit Cheryl when you said that you had a thought. I wasn't expecting **that.** "

"I know right?" Cheryl grinned.

"Yeah," Mallory felt a headache coming on. "One question. Where exactly would we find these clues?"

"I don't know," Cheryl said. "That's the part in my plan I haven't figured out yet."

"Oh so you do see the flaw in your idea?"

"We could start in butlers' rooms," Cheryl said. "Because usually the butler does do it. Unless it's the maid that framed the butler. That happens too."

"So we'd better check both just to be safe," Mallory said sarcastically.

"Good idea!" Cheryl grinned.

"And the rest of the clues?" Mallory sighed. "I ask because apparently I'm a glutton for punishment."

"Not really sure. Maybe we should hire a detective agency to find them?" Cheryl asked.

"Sure," Mallory said sarcastically. "And maybe while we're at it we might hire them to find **your brain!** Because clearly it's been missing for a long time! Now get back to work!"

"Doing **what**?" Cheryl asked.

"Answering the phone for starters!" Mallory shouted.

"But it's not ringing now," Cheryl said.

"I know it's not ringing now!" Mallory snapped. "But it was before!"

"It was?"

"YES!" Mallory shouted. "You probably got it confused with the echoes in your empty head! Answer the phone!"

"Fine!" Cheryl picked up the phone. "Hello? Hello? Hello?"

"I knew it was coming," Mallory groaned. "But I said it anyway…"

"Hello?" Cheryl shouted into the phone. "No one's there."

"I know no one is on the phone **now** …" Mallory gritted her teeth.

"Then why did you make me answer it?" Cheryl asked.

"I did not want you to answer the phone **now**!" Mallory said trying not to kill Cheryl.

"But you said…"

"LET ME FINISH!" Mallory shouted. "When the phone rings, **then** you answer it! Understand?"

"Well you didn't **say that!"** Cheryl said. "I'm not a mind reader!"

"I figured that," Mallory said. "Mind reading is probably a foreign language to you. I mean how can you read other minds when you don't have one in the **first place?**!"

"So what is it you want me to do again?" Cheryl asked.

"God if your IQ drops any lower they're going to have to reclassify you as a sponge!" Mallory snapped. "Scratch that, a sponge actually **retains** something!"

"You mean like you retain alcohol?" Cheryl asked. "Because you're constantly drunk?"

Mallory glared at Cheryl. "You'd better watch it Missy. Because one of these days I will throw you out on your ass and replace you with someone that can actually **do your job**! Like a trained monkey. Or one of Krieger's god awful creations. Even one of those little bird toy things that bob up and down would be more useful than you!"

"Yeah right," Cheryl scoffed. "You'd never get rid of me. It's my checks for protection money that keep this dump running."

"That's the **only reason** I haven't fired you," Mallory glared at her. "Out of a cannon. Into **oncoming traffic!"**

Mallory took a deep breath. "Now I want you to do something productive. **Anything** productive! And just sitting there adding carbon gas to the atmosphere when you breathe out won't cut it!"

Cheryl thought for a moment. "Maybe I could sharpen some pencils?"

"Well at least something will be sharp around here?" Mallory groaned.

"Where are the pencils?" Cheryl looked around. "Where are they…?"

"Did you try the desk drawer?" Mallory asked.

"Oh," Cheryl opened the desk drawer. "There they are!"

"That trained monkey is looking better by the minute," Mallory groaned. "I wonder if they have a catalog for that?"

"They're already sharp," Cheryl pointed.

"Glad **something** in this office is," Mallory said sarcastically.

"I know! I could decide where to go to for lunch!" Cheryl said.

"A monumental task if there ever was one," Mallory groaned.

"I don't know what to have," Cheryl said honestly.

"Why don't you try a seafood restaurant?" Mallory suggested. "Considering fish is brain food that might actually do you some good. Of course in your case you'd probably have to eat an entire aquarium for it to make a difference."

"I don't like to eat seafood," Cheryl said.

"Noooooo?" Mallory said sarcastically. "Really?"

"Well that's not entirely true," Cheryl said. "I do like lobsters. Especially after I watch them get boiled in a pot. Sometimes I can actually hear the screams."

"You know Cheryl sometimes I think you were born in the wrong era," Mallory said. "Sounds like you and the Marquis De Sade would get along like a house on fire!"

"Actually we dated for a bit," Cheryl said.

"What?" Mallory did a double take.

"Mark Desade," Cheryl said. "He and I dated for a bit back in high school Of course I was only using him to make my boyfriend Keith Jeffries jealous. Well technically he wasn't my boyfriend yet because he didn't know it. But when that didn't work I dumped Mark for Tommy Hephelwhite the Third because he was richer and had more money. And it turns out he was a better kisser so by the time Keith was interested in being my boyfriend I decided to dump him."

Mallory looked at Cheryl. Cheryl looked at Mallory. "What?" Cheryl asked. "Were you saying something?"

"Not a thing," Mallory groaned. "Not a damn thing…"

RING! RING!

"You want me to get that?" Cheryl asked Mallory.

"If you don't mind!" Mallory snapped.

"No, it's no trouble," Cheryl spoke on the phone. "Hello? What do you want?"

"Cheryl!" Mallory snapped.

"Hang on!" Cheryl told the caller. She looked at Mallory. "I'm on the phone."

"I know that you harebrained heiress!" Mallory snapped. "When you answer the phone you say: _Figgis Agency, this is Cheryl how may I help you?_ Got it?"

"Okay," Cheryl nodded. She spoke into the phone. "You gotta call me back later so I can give you an answer." She hung up.

"AGGGHH! CHERYL!" Mallory shouted.

"WHAT?" Cheryl shouted back.

"Did you at least find out who was calling?" Mallory snapped.

"I was supposed to do that?" Cheryl asked.

Mallory made a strangled sound. "Cheryl…Just answer the phone in a professional manner. Find out who is calling and then tell me who called! GOT IT?"

"Yeah, I got it," Cheryl said. "You don't have to yell."

"You know the only reason I don't replace you with an answering machine is because my idiot son would play with it right?" Mallory snapped. "And a lot longer than he played with you!"

"He does have a problem with foreplay," Cheryl admitted. "He's such a girl about choking."

"And people wonder why I drink," Mallory groaned as she went back into her office.


End file.
